A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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