I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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