3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
