You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
