my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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