11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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