Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
