I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
