i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
