I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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