I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
