Cold hands, warm shart.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
