My liver just broke up with me...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
