I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
