I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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