I think I died a long time ago.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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