It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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