If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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