Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
