You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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