There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
