Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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