Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
