We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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