I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
