I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
