I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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