just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
