Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
