Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
