My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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