I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
