Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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