A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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