there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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