I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
