had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
