Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
