woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
