if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
