just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
