last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
