Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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