Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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