I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
