did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
