Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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