Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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