So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
