I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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