dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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