I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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