there's paper in my vomit.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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