In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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