Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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