If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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