I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
