I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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