I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
