im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
