i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize